SEEKING BALANCE-EMBRACING HARMONY

 THE ORIENT PHILOSOPHY

It is very likely that you who are reading this will not cross into the next century. This sentence maybe processed in any manner of ways by different people; many will process it with shock and a few others with stoic indifference depending of course on the personalities, situation, age, state of health, occupation, culture, and gender and so on.  Strictly speaking though, the presented information should not matter much, because the journey is the destination after all.

But then hope springs eternal. A recent scientific journal points out that the person who is likely to live well into the next century and depart aged at about 150 years is already born and up and about. It is also likely that this person may have been born in the orient and is presently being schooled in the oriental way of thinking and living.

Why the orient?  There are many varieties of Eastern thought: Hinduism, Buddhism, Confucianism, and Taoism among others. Their common attribute is that they seek balance with nature through transformations in consciousness, feelings, emotions and one’s relation with one another

The most visible manifestation of this oriental thought though is manifested in the Chinese symbol  referred to as the Yin-Yang which depicts the classic interlocking depicting the complementary forces that make up all aspects and phenomena of life and all that is universal.

Yin is a symbol of earth; femaleness, darkness, receptive, passivity, and absorption; the negative aspects of nature. Yang is conceived as of heaven:  masculine, active, external; the positive aspects of nature.  Yin and Yang are not merely opposites, but exist in a state dynamic complementation expressing the balance in nature.

 

The common oriental therefore has somewhat sought and attained some balance by embracing nature in totality and this can be seen in their unexplained inner calm, higher level of fitness and avoidance of any overindulgence. He has also developed awareness and acceptance with grace and respect of the realities of life and death; He makes no attempt to bully nature but tries to flow with it in his daily endeavours which partly explain why he is going to outlive you.

But to be fully human is to cultivate some healthy interaction with others; but for these relationships can only be harmonious and of mutual benefit if it is embraced in within some set parameters which translate to boundaries.

BOUNDARIES

Nations and states especially are identified by the mapped geographical boundaries. They will rarely take up arms and march to war on account of ideologies; but then nations consider tampering with the boundary as an existential threat and would readily go to war.

Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. When you understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you can avoid any feeling of resentment, disappointment, and anger that build up when limits have been pushed.

At personal levels, we have boundaries too; Personal boundaries are established by changing one's own response to interpersonal situations, rather than expecting other people to change their behaviours to comply with your set boundary.

My short stint abroad comes to mind.

I, together with 24 other participants from across the world was privileged to visit the United States of America (USA) for a three-month international course. Americans were forming the bulk of the course making it only reasonable that we be acquainted with some “dos” and “don’ts” of the American society.

Our host, a big wheezing man gave us pep talk us on matters we were obligated to follow. One, he said, Americans love their personal space which sits at a radius of about arm’s length. Any attempted reduction of this unmarked space makes them feel crowded and uncomfortable hindering any on-going verbal communication.

He continued, it is also exceptionally rude to offer a hand for a handshake or worse, attempting to hug an American; the common American detests such open shows of affections reserving them only for family and very close friends. The typical American, he pointed out is comfortable with a mere nod as a greeting.

 Personal issues was another sacrosanct point. Our host impressed on us that the typical American keeps his personal matters very confidential. We visitors too, were asked to be wary on bringing up personal related issues such as age, family, marital status, religion and even political affiliations during normal out of class conversations.

Our burly American went on, sexual interactions with the female American is extremely sensitive, he said, since the typical American lady is so extroverted and outgoing there is the danger that as a foreigner one might get wrong ideas and subsequently make uncalled for seductive moves which might be considered ill-advised leading to possible grave circumstances.

Other personal space issues brought up during the pep talk included Issues over emotional, intellectual and financial boundaries which too were considered equally important in creating harmony in the daily grind of life.

Social media depicted as “big brother” is yet another emergent challenge. We live in a world where social media today is ubiquitous and limited boundaries but still dominant in our daily lives and  has been the cause of anguish for many a personality..

DESERT RULES

 

The issue of boundaries personal space and assertiveness takes a very strong context in the desert environment. In the desert, water and pasture for animals are scarce and generally life is tough. Therefore, no quarters are given for any perceived slight. Journalist Thomas Friedman succinctly sums this desert state of affairs in management of boundaries in his book “From Beirut to Jerusalem” He writes:

 “An elderly Bedouin man discovered that by eating Turkey he could restore his virility. So he bought himself a turkey and  kept it around the tent, and every day he watched it grow. He stuffed it with food, thinking, Wow, I am really going to be a bull. One day, though, the turkey was stolen. So the Bedouin called his sons together and said:

“Boys, we are in great danger now— terrible danger. My turkey's been stolen." The boys laughed and said, "Father, what do you need a turkey for?" He said, "Never mind, never mind. It is not important why I need the turkey, all that is important is that it has been stolen, and we must get it back."

But his sons ignored him and forgot about the turkey. A few weeks, later the old man's camel was stolen. His sons came to him and said, "Father, your camel's been stolen, what should we do?" And the old man said, "Find my turkey."

A few weeks later, the old man's horse was stolen, and the sons came and said,

"Father, your horse was stolen, what should we do? “

 He said, "Find my turkey." Finally, a few weeks later, someone raped his daughter.

The father went to his sons and said:

"It is all because of the turkey. When they saw that they could take my turkey, we lost everything. “

That is the essence of having boundaries, personal space and assertiveness.

Boundaries are the pillars of relationships; they are the rules we put in place that stop people from imposing their wills on us. It all starts with learning to say “no” when somebody assumes rights of entitlement over you.

ASSERTIVENESS.

It is sometimes easy to overstep boundaries without realising because all people have different sets of them. Assertiveness therefore is a manner of teaching people how they are supposed to treat you.  Whereas, being assertive can help you spell out your needs without damaging relationships; a lack of assertiveness, on the other hand, can impact on your mental health and damage your relationships as you would always feel that you are being taken advantage of and your personal space and boundary are straddled on.

There is however a danger that assertiveness can be mistaken for aggression. That should not be so; assertiveness should come from a plane of calm and rationality instead of working from anger, hurt, or resentment. Assertiveness in most cases resolves conflict especially if the message is passed in a diplomatic manner with a stronger body language and posture.

Silence too sometimes speaks; silence therefore can also be a subtle manner of passing an assertive message since at appropriate moments silence can speak in a very loud no nonsense manner.

SELF CARE

Tied to boundaries and personal space, a new concept that is now in vogue is the concept of self-care. Self-care is a broad term for anything we do for ourselves solely for the purpose of looking after our body or minds. It means looking after you physically, emotionally and socially. Self-care has gained recent prominence due to the emergence of individualism, the modern fast life, unending hustles and the social media that have negated personal quality time. 

Self-care today is considered one of the most integral aspects of life that an individual can master. It is a lifesaving technique which is hinged on the popular narrative that says: “an un-examined life is not worth living”. Knowing thyself is the first step to self-awareness.

Self-awareness revolves being aware of the unique aspects of the self which include traits, behaviours and feelings. Essentially it is a psychological state in which oneself becomes the centre of attention.

Self-care can be described as a “feel good” factor. Taking care of the people in need, doing random acts of charity, empowering someone, being their blessing in moments of need, is a very good way of self-care and as you do this, be careful about what you say to yourself, because you are supposed to listen to yourself So that you can at the end of the day have a sense of inner satisfaction, that you have made someone’s life better.

WAYS TO SELF CARE

Always keep in mind that practising self-care is a path that is unique to each individual. When creating your self-care regimen, it's critical to take your individual requirements, preferences, and limitations into consideration. Some of the major ways to self-care include: 

a.      Working out- Regular exercises leads to immense benefits both physically and mentally.

b.      Looking Good and feeling nice-At your level of comfort and affordability, try to look great. Socialization is an innate attribute with all humans and we cannot separate our outward appearance from others. Dressing nice for any occasion is what entails here.

c.       Acts of Charity- Giving back to community shapes your conversation and thinking and way of life and then blessings galore also land on you your good self.

d.      Hobbies- Have something you enjoy doing which makes you feel good and appreciate your efforts. Let it be a healthy and positive habit- not alcohol and definitely not gambling.

e.      Me time- This the time to focus on you and nothing else. No significant others, no work, no friends, no social media. Learning to love your own company is an all-time worthy investment.

f.        Aboriginal Walkabout- The natives of Australia, the aborigines when frequently finding themselves overwhelmed with the demands of daily living take a long lone walk to the outback with the walkabout last a long duration sometimes even several months with the native living off the land; it can be compared to the hibernation of some animals. When the Aborigine comes back to his society, it is said they come back looking younger and seemingly much refreshed with new ideas to rejuvenate their society’s livelihood. In our more modern situation and space restrictions, Aboriginal walkabouts might not be an easy option but planning and taking a trip could be the magic wand. Travel is excellent because it physically removes you from your current stressful environment and pushes you to do something different.

g.      Prioritize Sleep: Get the quantity and quality of sleep you need; sleep is essential for maintaining optimum mental health.

h.      Seeking Support- If you think you're experiencing significant mental health challenges, it's advisable to seek support from mental health professionals who can provide more personalized guidance and assistance.

i.        Be spiritual-  Seek and maintain a personal relationship with God, be at peace with him whatever you conceive him to be and the only way to maintain this relationship is by prayer and meditation. Prayer does not necessarily change the mind of God every time, but at least it changes the mind of the person who prays.

Yes, self-care has been shown to improve mental health. Engaging in regular self-care activities can help reduce stress, improve overall well-being, enhances resilience and improves overall mental health. It involves taking intentional actions to prioritize and nurture your physical, emotional, and mental health.

 COUNSELING

 Life being what it is, some personalities might find it hard to defining the limits of their boundaries and personal space, some might find it hard too to assert themselves or when embracing self-care there might be need to seek professional guidance. Counselling therefore becomes a necessity. The person seeking counselling therefore invites another person to provide him or her with time and space characterized by the presence of a number of features that are not readily available in everyday life: Encouragement, respect for difference, confidentiality and affirmation.

The need of counselling in the country however persists and is so seriously needed if the daily calls asking for personal advice on the local radio stations are anything to go by.

Counselling is a place where the person can tell their story, where they are given every encouragement to give voice to aspects of their experience that have previously been silenced, in their own time and their own way, including the expression of feeling and emotion.

The potential outcomes of counselling can be understood as falling into three broad categories:

·          Resolution of the original issue in living. Resolution can include: achieving an understanding or perspective on the problem, arriving at a personal acceptance of the problem or dilemma and taking action to change the situation in which the problem arose.

·          Learning. Engagement with counselling may enable the person to acquire new understandings, skills and strategies that make them better able to handle similar problems in future.

·          Social inclusion. Counselling stimulates the energy and capacity of the person as someone who can contribute to the well-being of others and the social good.

Other issues where an interaction with the counsellor can be handy are in:

·         Acquisition of social skills - Social skills would entail acquiring and learning and mastering social and interpersonal skills such as maintenance of eye contact, turn-taking in conversations or anger control.

·         Cognitive change - The modification or replacement of irrational beliefs or maladaptive thought patterns associated with self-destructive behaviour. 

·         Behaviour change -  The modification or replacement of maladaptive or self-destructive patterns of behaviour.

·         Empowerment- Working on skills, awareness and knowledge that will enable the client to take control of his own life.

·         Restitution - Helping the client to make amends for previous destructive behaviour.

SELF ACTUALIZATION

This is a western world concept developed by Abraham Maslow a research scientist on human sexuality, who formulated the hierarchy of needs and coined the word self-Actualization. Unlike the Eastern world concept, it is bent on individualism with a thought pattern of achieving harmony by personal surrender and effort. He wrote:

“A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. “

In Maslow’s, hierarchy of needs, the lowest need is the physiological needs which are food, shelter, clothing and sex-the requirements of healthy functioning of the body and the continuance of the species. Security appears next in Maslow’s hierarchy. This is the need to know that our world is stable and predictable, the confidence that gains made can be conserved. The denial of this need leads to tension, anxiety, fear, panic and self-absorption.

The need to be a valued member of a group and the confirmation that others find us likeable is the third ladder in the hierarchy of Maslow’s needs. He called it social needs. Esteem needs come next in the hierarchy of needs. This is the need for recognition and prestige. The basis of self-respect knowing that we as individuals count for something.

 

 

 

MASLOWS LADDER OF NEEDS

 

Self-actualization appears on the top rung of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs ladder. This is the need to continuously develop in ways which are personally important to the individual.

Self-actualization is only possible only if the lower needs have been sufficiently met so that they do not detract from or engross a person’s basic energies rather than organize their behaviour toward tension reduction.

Maslow argues that the self-actualized is an ideal, but given skill, knowledge and commitment every individual has the power to create that ideal.

THE BALANCED PERSON

A harmonious personality is one who has found balance in life. It is visible in his bearing and gait. He like any other person has his normal daily grind, struggling to put food on the table for his family but he struggles honestly, making honest profit not keen to take advantage of situations and people. We may list his other positive outlooks as follows:

·         Having close relationships with family, friends and others as he provides a sense of connection, support and purpose.

·         He gets engaged in activities that challenge him, learning new things and pursuing his passions to help on his personal growth as an individual and feel a sense of accomplishment.

·         He strives to take care of his physical and mental health through exercise, healthy eating and self-care to improve on his quality of life and help him feel more resilient.

·         The balanced person has a truly good relation with the superior being others might call God. He makes special time with this superior being; everything he does feels connected to this purpose.

·         He appreciates nature and admires that flower, and the mountain, and the moon and the stars and talent and works of art.

·          He has that normal degree of fear towards death, but it is not a debilitating phobia that keeps him awake at night.

·         He takes time to be involved in community and public affairs because he wants to improve his lot too as he lifts others. He is a pillar of his local community.

·         He does not over indulge in anything, food, drinking, resources, sports, (not even Arsenal of the English Premier League!) religion or even ideology. He knows that there is a limit to everything .

·         He has his personal space, his boundaries, and will react and correct the imbalance if he feels you have overstepped his space.

·         He is constantly growing and learning; he is an avid reader and listener liking to learn new things; he re-learns and also knows when to re-learn.

·         He has learnt to cultivate patience in his life knowing that all things are difficult before becoming easy.

·         He makes time to travel, trying new things and enjoying hobbies or activities that bring him joy creating positive memories and enhances his overall well-being.

·         He has trained himself to know that the social media and technology are important but then he has also trained himself to put these in their rightful place.

 From the above it can be seen that the picture drawn of these person is a composite. The description does NOT imply perfection but rather a higher level of functioning. Such a person has found balance in his life; he is in harmony with himself.

AND WHO FITS THIS BILL?

It has been argued in some academic circles that only about 2% of the world population attains and maintains the self-actualizing mode and have achieved a resemblance of perfect harmony in life. The lord Buddha springs to mind, and then there is the Dalai Lama whose holiness is visible and appreciated even by animals; There is the father of peaceful protests in India, Mahatma Gandhi, Saint Paul of the bible whose final words –race, I have finished, Faith, I have kept- are especially moving, Mother Teresa of Kulkat,  South Africa’s Nelson Mandela, Pope John Paul II, Pope John the 23, Microsoft founder Bill Gates, President Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, explorer David Livingstone,  theologian and physician Albert Schweitzer, USA one time first lady  Ambassador  Eleanor Roosevelt,  and even former USA president Jimmy Carter  have been mentioned in that respect.

Locally, and this is my own interpretation subject to the natural bias that the following personalities due to their demeanour may have attained balance in their lives and subsequent harmony.  Blessed Maurice Cardinal Otunga, retired arch Bishop Eliud Wabukhala, Magnate Manu Chandaria has been the face of humility and philanthropy.  Mama Fatima has for the last forty years almost singlehandedly run children’s home depending entirely on well-wishers and charity for its sustenance. Athletes Eliud Kipchoge and Kipchoge Keino have remained humble despite their exploits on the international sporting Arena. Former first lady Margaret Kenyatta restored some quite dignity in the house on the hill and remains a respected mother figure to the nation. Lately also– I dare say- retired president Uhuru Kenyatta is creating a demeanour of a person who is at peace with himself. These mentioned personalities people depict some inner unexplained calm despite the turmoil that could be within. They are at peace with themselves; they have found harmony in their lives.

Whereas the personalities mentioned all seem to be in the top league of human success- But still they are many unsung heroes in our communities – local pastors, village elders, school teachers, the youth coach, that Sunday school teacher- who have in their own way attained the status giving back to society expecting nothing but doing it for God. They are rarely noticed -their modesty would not allow them- but indeed they exist and are the pillars of each society.