COUNSELING A NARCISTIC ZEALOT.

 

He had walked into my office, having been referred to me by a fellow counsellor who thought it could be easy for me to relate to him, seeing that we were almost of equal age. The Client had called earlier and fixed an appointment. He had arrived ten minutes to the appointment time, which sends two special messages to any counsellor. One, it could be a case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or some call it a case of anal retention. Secondly, it could be a case of a person who is emotionally hurting and is keen to share the load and get some relief, somewhat. Or maybe, I was overthinking, it could just be the case of someone who is keen on keeping time- a not so common Kenyan attribute.

As he walked in, I noticed that he was dressed to the sixes, with a well-knotted tie and well-polished shoes. His handshake was strong and he met my eyes directly, clearly a very confident man at the top of his profession, whatever it was, He looked fiftyish, but a good fiftyish with only a bit of grey hair visible in his well-coffered hair.

He confidently picked a chair and I realized why the young counsellor had referred to him to me. His personality dominated the room and I was sure he could have been intimidating to an inexperienced counsellor. After sharing niceties, I introduced myself and my long history as a counsellor. The introduction bit is meant to break any barriers and to set up a base for discussion. Some clients have been known to walk out from the session feeling that the counsellor was falling short of their expectation.

His sitting was in a very relaxed attitude with the feet inter crossing at the ankles, an attitude of confidence. I noticed that his socks were black and pulled up. Does that tell you anything? He was not afraid to use his big voice as he opened up on his case.

Client process -The Presenting Issue

He was fifty-two, and working with an international body as an accountant (Accountants can be fixated!) I thought. And was born again and a strong believer in his evangelical church, where he practiced as a church elder. He has been born again since his university days and strongly followed the tenets of his faith.

Twenty-five years ago, when he was newly employed, he had, he repeated got into an entanglement with a young lady – who was- horror! - an unbeliever. That single entanglement led to this lady getting pregnant. He was forced against his better judgement to have a "come we stay" arrangement as he could not bear considering abortion as that was suicide and he also hopes that God was using him maybe to win over this unbeliever. Ten years later, and two other offspring later, he gave up on this lady as she had refused to change and to adapt to follow the true path of faith and to come to the loving arms of the savior Jesus Christ. They reached into an amicable divorce arrangement and he supported the children until they had reached adulthood.

The client had now been divorced for eight years and for the last five years, he has been actively seeking a partner who might end up being a spouse. His argument was that he has been very active in the church occasions with the intention of a likelihood of meeting a potential spouse, but so far, he - as he put it yet - to meet a lady worthy to be his wife.

Counsellors Exploration

Counsellor: What are your expectations of me?

Client: If for five years, I have yet to meet a woman of my dreams, it came to my mind that probably there was something that I may not be doing right.

Counsellor: What do you exactly mean by a worthy wife?

Client: I am a self-made man, a believer; therefore, I want a woman, a genuine believer who can have a genuine conversation together, a meeting of minds to be sure.

Counsellor: So, for the last five years, you have yet to meet anybody meeting those standards

Client: Yes, they have all been "Hivi-Hivi" in looks, commitment to Christ or even in the brains department.

Counsellor: To paraphrase your words- the three things you look for in a woman are –commitment to Christ, looks, and brain power?

Client: Yes, and financially stable.

Counsellor: You expect her to support you financially?

Client: At my age, position and work ethic, I am a master's holder, so I expect someone who may at least match my standards. It could lead to a meeting of minds. Besides, my divorced wife was also not a graduate, which could partly explain why things went south. In my immediate family, all my siblings are university graduates and all married to spouses who have major academic achievements. We are a family of high achievers and I sort of let my family down by marrying a person with no degree credentials.

Counsellor: There are so many online dating websites and some apps are even right on your mobile phone. Have you considered that option?

Client: No self-respecting lady with the grace of God can allow herself to be paraded online in search of a husband.

Counsellor: You mention that by your choice of spouse, you were a letdown to the larger family. Expound on that?

Client: As I pointed out, I merely married this lady on account of her being in an expectant situation and I am a respectable man and did the only respectable thing in such a situation.

Counsellor: Did you seek counsel from your parents before marrying her?

Client: I did, they advised me to follow my heart.

Counsellor: What were the feelings of your bride's parents?

Client: As expected, they were so happy for their daughter as they knew she had found gold in me.

Counsellor: Realizing that the first baby was a mistake, how come you ended adding two more children?

Client: Life

Counsellor: Life?

Client: Some things you just can't explain

Counsellor: Could you describe your parents?

Client: I don't see how that has a bearing on the quest of a wife.

I insisted that the accurate description of one's parents and background inform current behavior. He finally, albeit reluctantly, relented and described both his parents in very many endearing

words and dwelt more on the description of his father than his mother.

On pressing, he admitted that he had lost his father years earlier and he openly admitted that he had not properly mourned his father as he had been abroad during his illness and eventual demise.

Counsellor's Processing

Having listened actively to the client and helped him to explore his problem, the following issues came to the fore:

ü  Unknowingly, the client could be wrestling with a narcissist personality. This is a mental disorder found more commonly in men in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance (Referred to as grandiose). The cause involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism and a sense of entitlement. They brag about their accomplishments and expect others to shower them with praise. They even treat their sex partners as devices for their own pleasure or to brace their own esteem.

ü  The Client comes out again as a religious zealot. It is a long and difficult to change people who are obsessed with matters of faith. The change must invariably come from within.

ü  Love of approbation- The client unconsciously wants a woman in his life who is perfect in every way. A plug and play woman who meets his set high standards. And who the community will see him through her?

ü  It is possible that this client frustrated a very good woman who bore him the three offspring. It most likely was a loveless marriage and a relief to both parties when it ended.

Counsellors Compass

It was important that the client be assisted to dig deep in himself to see his shortcomings and to adjust his sails and come to earth in his religious extremism. I arranged another session, but assigned him homework to honestly list the reasons that probably caused his marriage to fail, with a special emphasis on his personal shortcomings.

I also asked him to read the tragic mythological Greek history of Narcissi. I intend to have that as the opening gambit in our next session.